it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
