too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
