I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
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