wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
