I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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