The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
