When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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