im six kinds of drunk right now
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
