You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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