My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
