i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
