just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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