I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
