My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
