This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
