The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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