Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
