I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
