just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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