Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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