My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
