shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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