tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
