woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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