dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
