considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
