just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
