Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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