I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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