used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
