T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
