She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
