What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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