Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
