Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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