I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
