Your dad touched me again.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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