Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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