Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Reggie can tackle my bush.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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