i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
