Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
