the condom got lost in my hair
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
