So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
