Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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