a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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