john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Randomize
