I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Woke up backwards on a recliner
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
