I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
i now understand why vodka
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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