how can u be prego again
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
