the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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