Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Randomize
