I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
