He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
