He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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