The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
