Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
