True but thats because hes a fetus.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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