god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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