Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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