note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
