she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
