and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
