My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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